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It’s monokini season, bitches… What better time to hate on diets?

monokini

“I’m on this new diet. Well, I don’t eat anything… and when I feel like I’m about to faint, I eat a cube of cheese.”
-The Devil Wears Prada

I think diets are ridiculous.

So let’s discuss these insane DIETS FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE…

The Grape Diet: Fact:  if you eat only grapes for five days, you will lose at least 5lbs.  Not only that but you’ll reap mad health benefits!  Oh yeah, I’m calling BS on this one…

Cabbage soup diet: Fairly easy: you boil cabbage in water with some salt and pepper and that’s all you eat for 7 days, getting in touch with your inner prisoner/prison camp victim.  Then, feeling gassy and fabulous, you wear whatever restrictive garment you wanted to ooze into.  Next week, you gain it all back… and more.

Master Cleanse Diet: I thought this was a joke.  Turns out its not.  Turns out it’s a great way to pick up chicks, especially if you’re sweaty and wearing a shiny shirt.  “Hey babe, I’m on the master cleanse…”  Oh yes, this has happened to me.  No, I didn’t get with him.

Cigarettes and Coffee Diet: Hipsters gravitate towards this diet… personally I think it’s gross.  The side effects are 1. Delusions of grandeur.  2.  Sitting in your room alone, listening to bad music.  3.  Stinking up the Co-Ed dorm bathrooms.

The Triple Stack: Triple the fun.  Triple your chance of heart palpitations.

The Eggplant Extract Diet:  Oh yeah, I’m so doing that one.

Consuming Nothing But Booze: My personal fave.  Perhaps a renown college pastime… Combat the freshman 15 with Old English 40s instead of meals.  Plus side of this diet:  it may get you laid.

Tapeworm Diet: Step #1.  Purchase a friendly new pet.  #2.  Eat said pet.  #3.  Lose weight…   #4.  Seek medical treatment.

The Jesus Diet: Only eat foods mentioned in the bible.  Severely deprive yourself of essential nutrients.  Severely deprive your brain of sanity.  (Sorry guys, I love Jesus too but he won’t make you thin.  Only a healthy lifestyle change will).

REAL LIFE (Stupid) Diet Scenarios:

I once knew a girl who was trying to diet herself thin by eating nothing but power bars and French fries.  I don’t think it worked…

I knew another girl who drank three glasses of sugary cranberry juice before a meal and then consumed and a big beef patty with no vegetables or a bun… clearly Atkins inspired.  Then she would eat a dozen low fat cookies before bed.  And she wondered why she couldn’t poop or lose weight…

This last girl locked herself in her apartment for 6 months and ate nothing but frozen vegetables.  It worked—she managed to lose 50 pounds.  However, she also couldn’t walk more then 100 feet without feeling lightheaded and she was monstrously bitchy.  That ain’t no way to live life.

As the HAES supporters say, DIETS DON’T WORK.  They are so right.  Depriving yourself may cause you to lose weight temporarily, but you can’t maintain a 1600 calorie a day diet forever.  You’re going to snap.  Your body needs food.  So why not make it good food?

Any change that tricks your body into losing weight rapidly isn’t going to provide long term success.  If you do need to lose weight, lose it like you gained it… slowly over a long period of time.  You didn’t become fat overnight, so how can you be expected to become thin that way!?  Diets are unhealthy.  The Atkins diet may work, but why trust anything forbidding fruit?  Why trust a diet that makes your bowel movements black and smell like hell?   Or low carb diets.  There are GOOD carbs in this world that need to be eaten, such as whole grain pasta, brown rice, sprouted grain bagels… that’ll keep you full and help you poop.

Focus on health. After all, we all agree that HEALTH is the most important thing of all, dieters and non-dieters.  (Apart from the ANA nation, but we’ll hate on them later).  Focus on how you feel after putting certain foods in your body.  After eating 9 hohos, do you feel elated?  No, you feel jittery and bloated.  After eating delicious vegetable filled wraps and fruit?  You feel hot.  Diets are crap.  If you deprive yourself, you’ll be miserable, cranky, and more prone to “cheat” and then feel like a gross failure.  I WOULD KNOW.  I’ve eaten 2 lbs of pasta smothered in Alfredo sauce and passed out in a sickly food coma.

Intuitive eating, guys.  You know what your body wants.  My favorite diet tip:

Don’t focus on what you CAN’T eat, focus on ADDING healthful things to your diet. If you’re trying to get fruit and vegetables into your body, you’ll feel better and be less cranky and starving… and less likely to eat 4 hot pockets and cry yourself to sleep.

Oh I’ve been there.

xo

When I was out partying this weekend, someone announced to me that their boyfriend only ate “candy and meat”.  Subsisting mostly off of kale smoothie hybrids myself, I thought that was somewhat frightening and hilarious.  Almost as hilarious as my adorable sister keeping her muscular physique by bingeing on “meat and icing”.  What kind of meat and what kind of icing?  Chicken nuggets and Duncan Hines.  And she always looks good.  Sigh.

Well, if any of you do decide to purchase some vegetables, here’s an ADORABLE picture reminding you which ones should be organic and which don’t have to be.  I’m always forgetting and it’s just not financially possible for me to buy 100% organic as of now (hell, creatures in their early 20’s shouldn’t even care what they put in their bodies, right?)  Om nom.

Q:  Which vegetables should I absolutely buy organic?

A:

organic produce

Yeah, I can never remember any of this stuff.  Oh, and I don’t recommend going on a strictly meat/sugar based diet.  But then again I’m feeling really flabby and mushy today, so what do I know?

Back in ’06 i was keepin’ it hot with Slim Jims and Gobstoppers…

xo

Which crack head is responsible for the high fructose corn syrup commercials?

The belittling “Sweet Surprise” commercials that attempt to brush off the dangers of high fructose corn syrup are cringe-worthy and obnoxious.  Anyways, I’m sure you’ve seen them.  The theme is always “you’re a dumbass, high fructose corn syrup isn’t bad for you”.

But in case you haven’t, indulge here: The Dangers of High Fructose Corn Syrup.

The gist of it: “Don’t feel bad about eating foods containing high fructose corn syrup because they’re fine in moderation… just like sugar”.

News flash:  REFINED SUGAR SUCKS TOO. Comparing it to sugar doesn’t make things any better.  Refined sugar AND high fructose corn syrup are both complete crap for you and have no nutritional value.  Sugar = obesity, hyperglycemia, yeast overgrowth (check your pannies, ladies), hyperactivity, ADD, a weak immune system, cavities, and so on and so forth.

If you don’t care, I suggest watching this sexy lecture on high fructose corn syrup dangers:  Sugar: the Bitter Truth.

Or watch the more tolerable ‘Abridged’ version by Sean of Underground Wellness.  This guy bathes in coconut oil daily and is totally legit.

Popcorn/beer while you watch because the long version gets kind of boring.  Nevertheless, here’s the gist: Although fat consumption has gone down, sugar consumption has gone up.  Manufacturers are putting more high fructose corn syrup in our foods, replacing sugar because it’s dirt cheap.  Food manufacturers don’t love us.  They don’t care.  High fructose corn syrup is screwing us over.  And it’s addictive.

Why am I even saying this.  We’re all aware that high fructose corn syrup is completely unnatural and should be avoided.

If your body is saying something like this:

Yes, drink the unnatural beverage that’s sickly sweet … that’s REALLY what I need.

It’s lying.  It’s addicted to refined sugar and high fructose corn syrup.  Your body is “chasing the dragon”!

Fight the dragon and take my sugar detox challenge.  It’s easy:  don’t binge on sugary foods for a week.  Then try eating some again and how you feel.  You’ll feel gross.

It’s ridiculous that they’re creating commercials to get people to feel better about eating all the junk that they do.  And encouraging us to buy more of it.

It’s not ok. If anybody comes up to you and tells you that you’re ignorant for not knowing that high fructose corn syrup is “safe” and “awesome”, I want you to tell them this:

You: You know, there’s high fructose corn syrup in that.

Person: Yeah, so…?

You: Don’t you know that high fructose corn syrup causes an enormous buildup of fat in your liver?

Them:

Or something like that.  It’s messed up because high fructose corn syrup lurks everywhere:  Yes, I told you to grab a beer and listen to Dr. Lustig, but it’s there.  And in juice, soda, yogurt, cookies, energy bars, candy, breads, even frozen things.  Don’t freak out and swear off processed foods forever, just read labels and try to be mindful of the crap you’re putting in your body.

Look, if you’re bingeing on refined crap, it’s going to have high fructose corn syrup in it.  HFCS is in THE MAJORITY of crappy foods.  But does that mean its good for us?  No, it just means companies don’t give a crap and want to sweeten things cheaply.  HFCS is significantly cheaper then sugar.  If you look at something and it’s a color not found in nature and it leaves a sickly sweet aftertaste in your mouth, you better believe its bad for you.

Nobody is perfect, I love ding dongs as much as the next person, and especially honey buns (like Beyoncé eats in the Lady Gaga Telephone Video), man those are good, but lets try to hold it together here.

So read labels.  Try to control yourself.  Think about how you feel after bingeing on 26 chocolate chip cookies in 3 days.  I’ll tell you how I felt.

too much sugar


blueberry smoothieHealthy Smoothie Recipes:

So lets cut out that fruit juice and sweetened yogurt, ok?  Time to get serious.

DON’T WORRY: I’m not talking about adding beets, kale, radishes, anything frightening to your blender.  After all, if you own a cheap-ass blender it’s probably incapable of handling kale and tougher vegetables.  (Believe me I’ve tried.  You end up with huge chunks/flakes. This sucks when it’s kale because you then have to “chew” them… ew).

Now if you want to step it up a few levels, here are some tips.

DAIRY: Whether you decide to put milk or yogurt in your smoothies, you want to reap the most health benefits.  I suggest a PROBIOTIC yogurt like Kefir.
Probiotic yogurts are GREAT for your stomach and have good bacteria that aid in digestion and keep you regular.  They come in a variety of fruity and non-fruity flavors with varying fat contents, like 2%, fat free, etc… I usually go for fat free, but go choose any you’d like, they’re all good for you.  They’re thick, creamy, and a great base for smoothies.  Highly recommend.  If you’re not up for dairy, use any other kind of base you’d like:  Hemp milk, rice milk, almond milk.  They’re all delicious and make great milk substitutes.  I’m skeptical of Soy but well get to that later.  If probiotic yogurt is too terrifying, buy non-fat organic plain.  Look for yogurt that has LIVE CULTURES—those have the enzymes your digestive tract needs.

Oh, and sexy people buy yogurt in large containers and not in individual packs.  Too much packaging = bad for the environment.

Other Healthy Smoothie Liquids: Water. Why not, right?  Boring but your body needs it.  Coconut juice.  Oh yeah, that’s a great one.  Buy a few baby Thai coconuts, hack them open however you can and pour the liquid into the blender.  Scoop out the flesh and that’ll go in too.  Yum.  They’re not too expensive and coconut is GREAT for you.

Fruits: You have a LOT of choices here.  I recommend:

bananas (they thicken smoothies up)
blueberries
strawberries
melons (cantaloupes, honeydew, watermelon)
peaches
frozen cherries
nectarines
oranges (yes I’ve been known to peel it and throw it in there)
raspberries (expensive but delicious)
blackberries (also expensive)
mango
pineapple
Thai coconuts
kiwis

…you get the drift, pretty much anything in season.  Buy in bulk and freeze them, or buy them already frozen.  Try to buy organic.  Sometimes I wuss out and just get regular—I figure non-organic is better then nothing.  And because I’m fearless, I’ve done apple slices and pear slices as well.

Don’t be afraid to wildly mix n match your healthy smoothies up.  I have ZERO “official” recipes and I’ll just throw anything together… you’d be surprised, most of it works.  Buy what’s in season, buy what looks fresh, and then blend it up.  If you want to make things cutesy, name them.  “Triple Blueberry Madness Delight” or the “Glistening Grape Unicorn Smoothie” etc…

PRO Tip: Liquid goes in first (to make things easy for your poor Walmart blender), then add your frozen fruit and fresh fruit on top.  Honestly there isn’t a formula.  If your blender is choking and sputtering, add more liquid.  If it’s got the consistency of water, throw in a banana.  I hate recipes.

The next post will focus on “SPECIAL SMOOTHIE INGREDIENTS” for all you freaks out there…

I don’t believe in healthy smoothie recipes, but:

If you like it sweet:

Frozen (pitted!) cherries
Frozen (or fresh) raspberries
1 Banana
Frozen (or fresh) blueberries
Probiotic Non-Fat Plain Yogurt

How to give yourself an enormous Vitamin C Boost, no sugary OJ necessary:

1 cup of diced watermelon
1 cup of diced cantaloupe
1/2 cup strawberries (fresh or frozen)
1 cup non-fat plain yogurt/Kefir Probiotic Yogurt
2 cups of ice

I don’t know, this is just good:

1 cup frozen pineapple pieces (or fresh!)1 banana
½ of an orange (or use orange juice)
Baby Thai coconut juice
A squeeze of lime juice
1/2 cup non-fat vanilla or plain yogurt.
Ice (if necessary)

And if you like piiiiiiiña coladas…

The juice of 1 baby Thai coconut
The meat of 1 baby Thai coconut
Frozen (or fresh) pineapple chunks
1 Banana

Healthy smoothies for weight loss?  Maybe.  But calories are secondary here.  The focus is getting the good stuff in your body.

Next we’ll discuss super healthy smoothie extras…

SMOOTHIES:  DRINKING YOUR FRUIT

kiwiThere’s no BS in these healthy smoothies.

FACT: Fruit is good for you.
FACT: Nobody really wants to eat fruit.

The following post discusses how to incorporate fruit into your diet.  I’m not telling you to replace all your meals with smoothies.  In reality this isn’t about weight loss.  This is about HEALTH.  This post discusses fruit and other healthful additions you can add to your diet to jump-start some serious nutrition.  Trust me, you’ll feel sassy and hot if you embark on a smoothie expedition with me.  And it’s dead easy.  Easier then getting away with suede leggings.
Let’s get to it.

This post seems unnecessary, right?  No.  Unfortunately, I know a LOT of people who don’t like fruit.

Some people are afraid of fruit and think it’s nasty. Understandable, if you’re bingeing on processed foods and sugary treats all day.  “Natural” sugars are going to taste gross and foreign.  So let’s make fruit tasty, healthy, and easy to eat.

So do yourself a little favor:

1. Scurry to Walmart or some other fine establishment.
2. Buy a blender.

Do it.  We’re talking anything, preferably something cheap.  I bought a decent one for around twenty dollars.  I’m sure you can get one for less if necessary, and definitely more.

If you already own a blender, skip those steps.

If you haven’t guessed, you’re gonna start making smoothies.

In order to start working fruit into your diet, you should probably begin this process gently.  You don’t want to end up with uncomfortable bowel conditions.  Trust me, I started out easy and then progressed on to more “healthy” ones that I now like.  I’ve still yet to move on to the veggie ones, partially due to my failing Walmart blender but I hope to get there some day.

BASIC smoothie recipes include:

2 (generous) spoonfuls of Strawberry Yogurt (low fat, non fat, your choice)
½ Cup Fresh/Frozen Blueberries
1 Whole Banana
Orange Juice  (add as much is necessary to blend to your preferred consistency)

2 (generous) spoonfuls of Vanilla (or plain) yogurt
Handful of Frozen Strawberries
½ Cup of Fresh Blueberries
1 Banana
Skim, 1%, 2% Milk (as much as necessary to blend to desired consistency)

So easy, right?  Healthy smoothies are great for breakfast.

Obviously, you can switch it up with different flavors of juices, yogurts, and fruits.  If you’re using fresh fruit, add ice.

Note: I recommend NOT using FROZEN CONCENTRATED JUICE or any frozen yogurt/fruit pre-packaged combo, or sodas, ice creams, and sorbet. Those are unnatural and sugary as hell.

These healthy smoothies are pretty palatable for just about anybody, and the fruit juice sweetens them up pretty nicely.  And think about it—you’re basically getting a huge bang for your buck!  Cramming 2 or 3 servings of fruit into your body in one go!  Go you!

If you’re still scared, I’d advise getting a cute straw.

raspberries

Read on for more Healthy Smoothie Recipes!