Archive for the ‘Crap You Put In Your Body’ Category

It’s monokini season, bitches… What better time to hate on diets?


“I’m on this new diet. Well, I don’t eat anything… and when I feel like I’m about to faint, I eat a cube of cheese.”
-The Devil Wears Prada

I think diets are ridiculous.

So let’s discuss these insane DIETS FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE…

The Grape Diet: Fact:  if you eat only grapes for five days, you will lose at least 5lbs.  Not only that but you’ll reap mad health benefits!  Oh yeah, I’m calling BS on this one…

Cabbage soup diet: Fairly easy: you boil cabbage in water with some salt and pepper and that’s all you eat for 7 days, getting in touch with your inner prisoner/prison camp victim.  Then, feeling gassy and fabulous, you wear whatever restrictive garment you wanted to ooze into.  Next week, you gain it all back… and more.

Master Cleanse Diet: I thought this was a joke.  Turns out its not.  Turns out it’s a great way to pick up chicks, especially if you’re sweaty and wearing a shiny shirt.  “Hey babe, I’m on the master cleanse…”  Oh yes, this has happened to me.  No, I didn’t get with him.

Cigarettes and Coffee Diet: Hipsters gravitate towards this diet… personally I think it’s gross.  The side effects are 1. Delusions of grandeur.  2.  Sitting in your room alone, listening to bad music.  3.  Stinking up the Co-Ed dorm bathrooms.

The Triple Stack: Triple the fun.  Triple your chance of heart palpitations.

The Eggplant Extract Diet:  Oh yeah, I’m so doing that one.

Consuming Nothing But Booze: My personal fave.  Perhaps a renown college pastime… Combat the freshman 15 with Old English 40s instead of meals.  Plus side of this diet:  it may get you laid.

Tapeworm Diet: Step #1.  Purchase a friendly new pet.  #2.  Eat said pet.  #3.  Lose weight…   #4.  Seek medical treatment.

The Jesus Diet: Only eat foods mentioned in the bible.  Severely deprive yourself of essential nutrients.  Severely deprive your brain of sanity.  (Sorry guys, I love Jesus too but he won’t make you thin.  Only a healthy lifestyle change will).

REAL LIFE (Stupid) Diet Scenarios:

I once knew a girl who was trying to diet herself thin by eating nothing but power bars and French fries.  I don’t think it worked…

I knew another girl who drank three glasses of sugary cranberry juice before a meal and then consumed and a big beef patty with no vegetables or a bun… clearly Atkins inspired.  Then she would eat a dozen low fat cookies before bed.  And she wondered why she couldn’t poop or lose weight…

This last girl locked herself in her apartment for 6 months and ate nothing but frozen vegetables.  It worked—she managed to lose 50 pounds.  However, she also couldn’t walk more then 100 feet without feeling lightheaded and she was monstrously bitchy.  That ain’t no way to live life.

As the HAES supporters say, DIETS DON’T WORK.  They are so right.  Depriving yourself may cause you to lose weight temporarily, but you can’t maintain a 1600 calorie a day diet forever.  You’re going to snap.  Your body needs food.  So why not make it good food?

Any change that tricks your body into losing weight rapidly isn’t going to provide long term success.  If you do need to lose weight, lose it like you gained it… slowly over a long period of time.  You didn’t become fat overnight, so how can you be expected to become thin that way!?  Diets are unhealthy.  The Atkins diet may work, but why trust anything forbidding fruit?  Why trust a diet that makes your bowel movements black and smell like hell?   Or low carb diets.  There are GOOD carbs in this world that need to be eaten, such as whole grain pasta, brown rice, sprouted grain bagels… that’ll keep you full and help you poop.

Focus on health. After all, we all agree that HEALTH is the most important thing of all, dieters and non-dieters.  (Apart from the ANA nation, but we’ll hate on them later).  Focus on how you feel after putting certain foods in your body.  After eating 9 hohos, do you feel elated?  No, you feel jittery and bloated.  After eating delicious vegetable filled wraps and fruit?  You feel hot.  Diets are crap.  If you deprive yourself, you’ll be miserable, cranky, and more prone to “cheat” and then feel like a gross failure.  I WOULD KNOW.  I’ve eaten 2 lbs of pasta smothered in Alfredo sauce and passed out in a sickly food coma.

Intuitive eating, guys.  You know what your body wants.  My favorite diet tip:

Don’t focus on what you CAN’T eat, focus on ADDING healthful things to your diet. If you’re trying to get fruit and vegetables into your body, you’ll feel better and be less cranky and starving… and less likely to eat 4 hot pockets and cry yourself to sleep.

Oh I’ve been there.



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Which crack head is responsible for the high fructose corn syrup commercials?

The belittling “Sweet Surprise” commercials that attempt to brush off the dangers of high fructose corn syrup are cringe-worthy and obnoxious.  Anyways, I’m sure you’ve seen them.  The theme is always “you’re a dumbass, high fructose corn syrup isn’t bad for you”.

But in case you haven’t, indulge here: The Dangers of High Fructose Corn Syrup.

The gist of it: “Don’t feel bad about eating foods containing high fructose corn syrup because they’re fine in moderation… just like sugar”.

News flash:  REFINED SUGAR SUCKS TOO. Comparing it to sugar doesn’t make things any better.  Refined sugar AND high fructose corn syrup are both complete crap for you and have no nutritional value.  Sugar = obesity, hyperglycemia, yeast overgrowth (check your pannies, ladies), hyperactivity, ADD, a weak immune system, cavities, and so on and so forth.

If you don’t care, I suggest watching this sexy lecture on high fructose corn syrup dangers:  Sugar: the Bitter Truth.

Or watch the more tolerable ‘Abridged’ version by Sean of Underground Wellness.  This guy bathes in coconut oil daily and is totally legit.

Popcorn/beer while you watch because the long version gets kind of boring.  Nevertheless, here’s the gist: Although fat consumption has gone down, sugar consumption has gone up.  Manufacturers are putting more high fructose corn syrup in our foods, replacing sugar because it’s dirt cheap.  Food manufacturers don’t love us.  They don’t care.  High fructose corn syrup is screwing us over.  And it’s addictive.

Why am I even saying this.  We’re all aware that high fructose corn syrup is completely unnatural and should be avoided.

If your body is saying something like this:

Yes, drink the unnatural beverage that’s sickly sweet … that’s REALLY what I need.

It’s lying.  It’s addicted to refined sugar and high fructose corn syrup.  Your body is “chasing the dragon”!

Fight the dragon and take my sugar detox challenge.  It’s easy:  don’t binge on sugary foods for a week.  Then try eating some again and how you feel.  You’ll feel gross.

It’s ridiculous that they’re creating commercials to get people to feel better about eating all the junk that they do.  And encouraging us to buy more of it.

It’s not ok. If anybody comes up to you and tells you that you’re ignorant for not knowing that high fructose corn syrup is “safe” and “awesome”, I want you to tell them this:

You: You know, there’s high fructose corn syrup in that.

Person: Yeah, so…?

You: Don’t you know that high fructose corn syrup causes an enormous buildup of fat in your liver?


Or something like that.  It’s messed up because high fructose corn syrup lurks everywhere:  Yes, I told you to grab a beer and listen to Dr. Lustig, but it’s there.  And in juice, soda, yogurt, cookies, energy bars, candy, breads, even frozen things.  Don’t freak out and swear off processed foods forever, just read labels and try to be mindful of the crap you’re putting in your body.

Look, if you’re bingeing on refined crap, it’s going to have high fructose corn syrup in it.  HFCS is in THE MAJORITY of crappy foods.  But does that mean its good for us?  No, it just means companies don’t give a crap and want to sweeten things cheaply.  HFCS is significantly cheaper then sugar.  If you look at something and it’s a color not found in nature and it leaves a sickly sweet aftertaste in your mouth, you better believe its bad for you.

Nobody is perfect, I love ding dongs as much as the next person, and especially honey buns (like Beyoncé eats in the Lady Gaga Telephone Video), man those are good, but lets try to hold it together here.

So read labels.  Try to control yourself.  Think about how you feel after bingeing on 26 chocolate chip cookies in 3 days.  I’ll tell you how I felt.

too much sugar

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