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It’s monokini season, bitches… What better time to hate on diets?

monokini

“I’m on this new diet. Well, I don’t eat anything… and when I feel like I’m about to faint, I eat a cube of cheese.”
-The Devil Wears Prada

I think diets are ridiculous.

So let’s discuss these insane DIETS FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE…

The Grape Diet: Fact:  if you eat only grapes for five days, you will lose at least 5lbs.  Not only that but you’ll reap mad health benefits!  Oh yeah, I’m calling BS on this one…

Cabbage soup diet: Fairly easy: you boil cabbage in water with some salt and pepper and that’s all you eat for 7 days, getting in touch with your inner prisoner/prison camp victim.  Then, feeling gassy and fabulous, you wear whatever restrictive garment you wanted to ooze into.  Next week, you gain it all back… and more.

Master Cleanse Diet: I thought this was a joke.  Turns out its not.  Turns out it’s a great way to pick up chicks, especially if you’re sweaty and wearing a shiny shirt.  “Hey babe, I’m on the master cleanse…”  Oh yes, this has happened to me.  No, I didn’t get with him.

Cigarettes and Coffee Diet: Hipsters gravitate towards this diet… personally I think it’s gross.  The side effects are 1. Delusions of grandeur.  2.  Sitting in your room alone, listening to bad music.  3.  Stinking up the Co-Ed dorm bathrooms.

The Triple Stack: Triple the fun.  Triple your chance of heart palpitations.

The Eggplant Extract Diet:  Oh yeah, I’m so doing that one.

Consuming Nothing But Booze: My personal fave.  Perhaps a renown college pastime… Combat the freshman 15 with Old English 40s instead of meals.  Plus side of this diet:  it may get you laid.

Tapeworm Diet: Step #1.  Purchase a friendly new pet.  #2.  Eat said pet.  #3.  Lose weight…   #4.  Seek medical treatment.

The Jesus Diet: Only eat foods mentioned in the bible.  Severely deprive yourself of essential nutrients.  Severely deprive your brain of sanity.  (Sorry guys, I love Jesus too but he won’t make you thin.  Only a healthy lifestyle change will).

REAL LIFE (Stupid) Diet Scenarios:

I once knew a girl who was trying to diet herself thin by eating nothing but power bars and French fries.  I don’t think it worked…

I knew another girl who drank three glasses of sugary cranberry juice before a meal and then consumed and a big beef patty with no vegetables or a bun… clearly Atkins inspired.  Then she would eat a dozen low fat cookies before bed.  And she wondered why she couldn’t poop or lose weight…

This last girl locked herself in her apartment for 6 months and ate nothing but frozen vegetables.  It worked—she managed to lose 50 pounds.  However, she also couldn’t walk more then 100 feet without feeling lightheaded and she was monstrously bitchy.  That ain’t no way to live life.

As the HAES supporters say, DIETS DON’T WORK.  They are so right.  Depriving yourself may cause you to lose weight temporarily, but you can’t maintain a 1600 calorie a day diet forever.  You’re going to snap.  Your body needs food.  So why not make it good food?

Any change that tricks your body into losing weight rapidly isn’t going to provide long term success.  If you do need to lose weight, lose it like you gained it… slowly over a long period of time.  You didn’t become fat overnight, so how can you be expected to become thin that way!?  Diets are unhealthy.  The Atkins diet may work, but why trust anything forbidding fruit?  Why trust a diet that makes your bowel movements black and smell like hell?   Or low carb diets.  There are GOOD carbs in this world that need to be eaten, such as whole grain pasta, brown rice, sprouted grain bagels… that’ll keep you full and help you poop.

Focus on health. After all, we all agree that HEALTH is the most important thing of all, dieters and non-dieters.  (Apart from the ANA nation, but we’ll hate on them later).  Focus on how you feel after putting certain foods in your body.  After eating 9 hohos, do you feel elated?  No, you feel jittery and bloated.  After eating delicious vegetable filled wraps and fruit?  You feel hot.  Diets are crap.  If you deprive yourself, you’ll be miserable, cranky, and more prone to “cheat” and then feel like a gross failure.  I WOULD KNOW.  I’ve eaten 2 lbs of pasta smothered in Alfredo sauce and passed out in a sickly food coma.

Intuitive eating, guys.  You know what your body wants.  My favorite diet tip:

Don’t focus on what you CAN’T eat, focus on ADDING healthful things to your diet. If you’re trying to get fruit and vegetables into your body, you’ll feel better and be less cranky and starving… and less likely to eat 4 hot pockets and cry yourself to sleep.

Oh I’ve been there.

xo

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